Be Ok

   Since I've come to New York,  I have had a heavy heart.  Every other adventure here has consisted of excitement and anticipation of the next stimuli that triggered a smile, or a frown, or a snarl, or a laugh. But this trip began with sadness. Normally, I take in the monstrous size of all the buildings and the personalities that ride along side of me on the train-- the asian man, who has a bandana around his head, reeks of body odor, listening to hard rock, or the paled skinned red head who wears tights and reads a book as she brushes her hair out of her face.

But this time, I just stared at my black backpack in front of me between my legs and missed the ones that I loved. I felt alone... i mean ALONE for the first time in a long time. I had booked a flight to NYC back in the beginning of august and weeks later my sister had called me while i was eating mexican at my new local spot in Brentwood, Tn and told me that she had abruptly decided to move from NYC to Nashville herself. Of course I would never the question the desire of a wild horses' heart (which is what my sister has) and i said " okay." it was simple as that. She wanted to know if this move was okay with me, not that it was up to me but i think she was curious if I would be offended. I could never be offended by an adventure.

However, as soon as my plane touched down in LGA airport, I wanted to call my sister and say, "Really? Like fucking really you aren't here?" What is NYC without my sister? Yes, there is the Empire State Building, and the Statue of Liberty, and all the museums you've read about in the magazines and even the hidden places like Long Island City park in Queens, and the Astoria park that boasts two mammoth twin bridges within 100 yards of each other. Yes, all of these attractions exist, but i wasn't coming to NYC for all of these jewels of the city. I was coming for my sister and for my friends I had made in the summer of 2010. And to be honest, without the sister, the friends seemed less significant.

I think as you get older you realize more and more that family is everything. Growing up, you are embarrassed of your parents love- the mother's licked finger which combs down your hair, the father's stern shake of a straightened collar. You are beyond annoyed at the sister's insesent plea to play "Dad" in her production of "HOUSE."
You get older and you yearn for a touch from your mother, a hand from your father, and a need from your sister.  You look for those moments because you transition from never getting enough alone time to never being needed enough.

When I hugged my family goodbye in the airport, there was not one eye that was dry. It wasn't as much as a sadness in the air. I think that as humans, we sometimes don't know how to express our concern. Lucky for us, the body sometimes overtakes our heart and produces tears that do nothing but just say "I care for you and am with you." It's a rare thing, especially since my parents divorced, to have my entire family together--the family that had summer vacations in Destin, FL where we would fight the whole way to the beach only to get lost in the sand and water and find each other again at the end of the night, smile and drift to sleep. That family was with me at the airport and although there are new people added to the equation like my Step mother, Shonda, the product is still the same-- LOVE.  I felt my family lifting me up and outwards to my dream. I'm so thankful.

I have come to realize that it does not matter what the world thinks of you. If you have the love of your family and the acceptance of your family, then to hell with the world. My world is my family and in this globe of different personalities that all share the same blood and love for each other, the earth could melt and we would still be standing there, for whatever we needed.  And with this, I can move from my sadness to my joy. I can go discover the world alone because when i return, it will be to a family that will    sit and laugh at my stories and touch my knee, and lean into me with giggles, and hold my hand because i'll be home.